The first time I ever flew alone internationally was when I was six years old. I’ve always loved to fly, I love being at the airport, waiting to get on a flight. I had a passport ever since I was 10 months old and my dad would always tell me, lose anything, your bags, your toys, but never lose your passport. Hell, if you get kidnapped, keep your passport on you at all times. That’s called nurturing.
I think I can trace back my affinity to air travel to my first solo trip. Anyone who travelled when they were that young will know what I’m talking about, it’s made easy for you, I mean waaay easy. I also learned several facts that I would only appreciate much later in life. Firstly one of your parents drops you off at the airport with this gorgeous stewardess, who would just dote on you, (fact #1 this phenomenon reduced significantly as I grew older). When you say goodbye to your folks she’d take you by the hand to the airline employees lounge. That’s where her friends see you and kneel around you just to be at eye level. After the ‘world’s most awesome interview’ was taken care of, I was taken to a big fluffy couch and got to watch cartoons on TV where I got to hold the remote! There were drinks, that came with unlimited refills (Fanta, in my case), this time a new girl, sitting on the arm of the chair I was on #pimpin
Soon it was time for boarding, of course my passport, boarding pass and luggage (a small backpack with a Gameboy in it) was carried by my attendant. I walked behind her while she glided past checkpoints that others had the misfortune of having to wait at. (fact #2 this will never happen again after the age of 12) As I boarded the flight I probably had my first mini heart-break as the woman I was clearly in a relationship with dating back to the employees lounge said goodbye to me. A hug, a kiss and that’s that. She did a good job at finding her replacement though because this new lady is just as good-looking, plus she was wearing a hat! Sweet!
I’m escorted to my seat somewhere in economy. The flights still empty and the stewards are chatting and getting ready. This pretty human being tells me to wait one minute and that she will be back. I was getting used to beautiful women leaving me for good but even before I finish that thought she returns. She asks me if I want to see the cockpit.(fact #3 that was a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity that I was smart enough to utilise) I don’t think it’s grammatically possible to answer that question with anything other that “Hell fuckin’ Yeah!” so we walk down the empty aisles to the front. I then enter a room that was made of buttons and lights. If I could live there, I would, but then I met the man in the chair, the Pilot.
He was probably the only other male over there who got treated the way I did.
It’s then announced that the passengers will begin boarding soon and I’m escorted back. My new woman returns after another minute with a coloring sheet, four crayons and a Hot Wheels! She knows how to please. As the flight takes off and I imagine what our kids would look like she comes back to me. She says she saw a seat empty up front in First Class and I could go there if I wanted. (fact #4 empty first class seats stay empty all through the flight now) I’m seated in the new location, my seat is bigger, I’m sipping on some more Fanta and there is a TV screen just for me!
I don’t think I even remembered where I was going anymore.
The Humble Mumbler 